On Euphemisms and Euphoria…

It’s funny, sometimes, when one of life’s lessons comes up and smacks you in the face, isn’t it? 

You’re tooling along, minding your own business and doing nothing of great consequence, when suddenly a ten ton-figurative anvil drops on your head, a lá Wile E. Coyote.

That was the case last night, when I was going through my indoctrination into the Monday Night Curling League at our local club. 

I finally tried curling out toward the end of last season and really enjoyed it.  In addition to being something I’ve always wanted to try…and the fantastic quality of the company I discovered at the rink…my pleasure was heightened by the odd fact that I actually seem to have a fair bit of aptitude for it. 

Two nights into my curling “career,” people were actually asking me where I curled before moving here and how many years I’ve played.  And they weren’t being condescending smart-asses when they asked it.  They were actually sincere. 

I say this with a fair amount of confidence, because at no point during these questions or exclamations do they give me a look that they would probably reserve for a 15 year-old boy who barges his way into a conversation to announce that he’s just learned to tie his own shoes!


So I was sitting around the table, enjoying the traditional post-match round of drinks and a few laughs with my new-found friends and listening to one of these new acquaintances telling us about his annual experiences at a massive Highland Games festival not far from here.

And that’s when I had my anvil on the head moment.

After sincerely inquiring about his particular involvement in the Scottish Games, I suddenly became acutely aware that I am absolutely incapable of uttering the phrase “tossing the caber” without having it sound dirty!

And, after driving home and decompressing from my athletic endeavours, I realized that “tossing the caber” wasn’t the only phrase I seem to have this difficulty with…only the most recent.  As I started replaying life’s wonky (i.e. funny) conversational moments back in my head I uncovered a plethora of similar instances.  For example, I seem to have tremendous difficulty saying things like “pulling the goalie” and “feeding the meter” without making them sound like funny, yet filthy euphemisms.

Hey, I didn’t say this was a really good life lesson, did I?.  What the hell were you expecting, Nietzsche?

By the way, here’s your challenge for the week; now that you’ve read this, go out and try to work these phrases into everyday conversation, without making them sound dirty…or at least without thinking dirty thoughts. 

Go on…I defy you to!

Results – The Open

Derek’s Picks D&D (Daughter & Dartboard)
Vijay Singh


 $      196,875 Mark Anderson


 $          12,843
Bud Cauley


 $        11,250 Mathew Goggin


 $          45,071
David Hearn


Nick O’Hern


 $          45,071
Ernie Els


 $        72,500 Kyle Thompson


This Week’s Total  $      280,625 This Week’s Total  $        102,985
Season Total  $  37,842,587 Season Total  $    11,744,706

Well, I couldn’t keep the winning streak going this week (1 in a row), but a T4 from Vijay was pretty satisfying to see…as was another Top 20 finish from the Big Easy. 

I’m definitely disappointed that my gut wasn’t yelling the right things about frost-bitten Canadian boy David Hearn (must have been some bad maple syrup)…and a bit mystified that Bud Cauley didn’t do better (although I think I just might give him another shot…really soon).

The McGladrey Classic

I can’t recall which trivial television show it was, and frankly I’m not interested enough in it to find out, but the name of this tournament always reminds me of that show’s two studly male stars, that seemed to pop up in every tabloid, newspaper entertainment section and website a couple of years ago.  (I’m assuming they were 2 studly male stars based on the big deal women made about them).

The characters were McHunky and McChunky…or something like that.  Maybe it was McSneezy and McSleazy, or McGoofy and McDroopy, or McRigid and McFrigid.  I honestly have no idea…but I’m pretty sure they rhymed.

Anyway, my apologies to McGladrey for this unintentional mental connecting of the dots.  I’m sure you’re all very nice people and do what you do very well…whatever that might be.  (Unless of course you’re siphoning huge amounts of money off to Mitt Romney’s hate campaign right now…then that’s an entirely different kettle of fish and you probably deserve a thorough examination of your business practises).

Okay, so all clueless pop culture references and business ethics concerns aside, the PGA Tour sashays down to Georgia this week for The McGladrey Classic at Sea island.  Hmmm…now that I think about it, Georgia is a Romney stronghold…so that thing I said earlier might not be so outrageous after all.

Derek’s Picks

Jim Furyk – I was pretty stunned to see Furyk’s name in the field this week, to be honest with you. 

After the US’s crippling loss to Europe at the Ryder Cup, I really didn’t expect to see any of the guys from the US team on a golf course until the 2013 season began…other than in some of the mindless, emotionless, consequence-free, trivial cash grab events that start in a few weeks (cough, cough, Wendy’s 3-Tour “Challenge”).

So, given the chance to take a pretty legit alpha dog at this time of the year, when the fields are kind of sparse, I’m jumping on the opportunity and going with Furyk this week.

My only hope is that he’s over it now…and isn’t still haunted by visions of Sergio handing him his ass on the final three holes at Kiawah Island.

Bud Cauley – I took Cauley for a bunch of good reasons last week…and he came in a disappointing T55 at the Frys. 

Proving that I don’t lurn too good, I’m gunna take him agin this week.

The biggest reason to like Cauley this week is that this is basically a home course for him.  He grew up and learned to play golf just spitting distance from Sea Island Golf Course.  And down in Georgia, “spitting distance” is actually a bonafide unit of measure!

Apparently it’s MUCH easier to keep track of teaspoons, cups, pints, quarts and gallons, or trying to figure out how many hundreds of feet or thousands of yards are in a mile, than it is to do something tough like…multiply by ten!

Yup, it’s one of the universe’s great mysteries that America still refuses to join the rest of the planet in adopting the metric system, isn’t it?  I have no rational explanation for them clinging to these wonky, Neanderthal units of measure, but I’m pretty sure if you walked around Georgia and asked people for 5 or 10 minutes you’d eventually hear someone tell you, “it’s because Jesus said so!”

Anyway, where the hell was I?  Oh yeah, Cauley finished T15 here last year…before he even earned his Tour card.  He’s had a really good year in 2012…and I think he’s due.

You betcha…a bushel and a peck, he’s due!

Heath Slocum – No matter which way you slice it, 2012 has been a spectacularly craptacular year for Heath Slocum; 27 tourneys, only 17 cuts and just 3 top 25 finishes. 

Zero top 10s.  Nada.  Bagel.  What the hell happened to him?

The promise he showed in his breakout 2009 and 2010 seasons seems to have disappeared on him.  No longer is he scoring wins, or even top 5s…he’s mostly struggling to make the cut and earn enough money to put Kraft Dinner on the table.

And speaking of money, Slocum is one of the poor buggers who is fighting for his playing life this week.  With just a few weeks left to earn his 2013 Tour Card, Heath is perched precariously at #124 on the PGA Tour Money List…a mere 2 positions from going to the 5-day rectal exam we call “Q School.”

But wait…this week is Slocum’s best chance to shine and turn that rectal frown upside down!  If you look at the results from the past 2 years (the McGladrey has only been around that long), no other player on Tour has done as well at Sea Island…1st in 2010 and T15 last year.

Yes, I know this is a pretty wonky pick and Slocum really hasn’t done anything serious to justify being on the squad, BUT this is the time of year when wonky things happen on the golf course.  So why not Slocum?

Jeff Overton – I almost went with defending champ Ben Crane in this spot, but in the end I decided to throw my support behind Jeff Overton.

As the 2012 season has been winding down, Overton has been winding up pretty nicely…T7 at The Deutsche Bank, T13 at the Shriner’s Hospital for Children and 8th last week at the last week.

Overton also has a nice record here at Sea Island, finishing T6 in this event last year…his first and only appearance at the course.

Jeff has one more really nice thing going for him this week…he’s sitting comfortably at 58th on the Money list and is already guaranteed his 2013 Tour Card.  Given the number of guys in the field who are fuelled by desperation, or just plain playing scared, there’s a LOT to be said for playing with no pressure and being able to free-wheel it like Overton can.

And now that I’ve had my blabber for the week, let’s turn it over to daughter to see her picks…

D&D’s Picks (Daughter & Dartboard):

Tommy Biershenk

 Alex Cejka

Tim Herron

Brendon Todd

And that’s all for this week folks.  As always, thanks very much for reading and writing in…and for playing along with my silliness.  Enjoy the tourney!



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