To: Steve Williams
From: Tim Finchem, PGA Tour Commissioner
Re: Speaking in Public
Please shut the hell up.
In the event you wish to speak in public in any forum or venue, at any time in the future, please refer to my opening sentence…and shut the hell up.
The members of the PGA Tour and golfing bodies around the planet would greatly appreciate it if, in the future, you would restrict the nature of your public utterances solely to matters of yardage, the break of greens, club selection and wind speed/direction.
You are a golf caddy. This is your bailiwick. Play to your strengths.
And if, in the course of your daily exploits, you feel compelled to comment on any other matters, please just shut the hell up. If pressed for a reply to a question (especially ones posed by the ravenous vultures in the media), a perfectly acceptable answer to cover all circumstances would be “165 yards,” regardless of the question you actually faced.
After delivering said answer, quickly and quietly walk away from the inquirer before they can suss out that your reply to their baiting was a complete non sequitur.
Over the course of time, as you become used to shutting the hell up and/or providing nonsensical answers to questions you might face, you might want to add a few colourful, but harmless, variations to your list of replies.
As a New Zealander, I suggest that the following phrases will serve you well in that regard; “Sir Edmund Hillary is my hero,” “Auckland is lovely this time of year and the south island is simply breathtaking,” plus the ever-popular, “I like sheep.”
To assist you in your efforts in shutting the hell up, we have booked an appointment on your behalf with PGA Tour Physician Dr. Tornyerhedenkoff. Following a routine examination, the doctor will arrange a consultation with Dr. Ben Doon, the Chief Surgeon at the CVDC (Centre for Verbal Disease Control), in Flushing Meadows.
As soon as possible, Dr. Doon will perform a Cranial Sphincterectomy on you, to sever the mysterious link you’ve somehow developed between your brain and your asshole.
Good luck in your future endeavours…and with the whole shutting the hell up thing.
Well, wasn’t that a hell of a year for golf folks?
With the wrap-up of the WGC HSBC Champions, the final curtain has rung down on the 2011 professional golf season…and I thought it was a fantastic, vastly entertaining ride.
It was a year punctuated with dramatic conclusions (it seems like half the tournaments went into extra holes), rookie heroics, veteran come-backs, massive plummets from grace, fiercely contested battles for world dominance, controversy and a few cases of outright stupidity.
In other words, we got our money’s worth…and more.
The WCG HSBC Champions
It was drama and heroics and comebacks to the very end, last week in Shanghai. A perfect capper to an already very exciting year; unpredictable, thrilling and compelling to the last drop.
After starting off the 2011 season as the newly-crowned World #1, then proceeding to hack up furballs around the planet for most of the rest of the season, whodathunk that Martin Kaymer would provide the last thrills of the year? His closing round 63 seemed to be the perfect bow to wrap up the year.
Results – WGC HSBC Champions
|D&D (Daughter & Dartboard)
|This Week’s Total
|This Week’s Total
As far as the small part my daughter and I played this season with our antics on CanadianGolfer.com, all I can say is we did our best to entertain you…and hopefully provide some valuable handicapping insights along the way, between all the gags, the pratfalls and the painfully wordy writing.
And we really hoped that you enjoyed what we had to offer each week. Based on some of the e-mails and comments I’ve seen, a few of you actually seem to resonate with the little reindeer games we play here…and we appreciate every single person who comes to visit our page(s) and read along. And, I have to say that the comments and e-mails we’ve gotten over the year have never failed to brighten my day.
Letting my brains spill out on the keyboard and writing all this gobbledy-gook takes a fair bit of time each week…and hearing from you is the best and most personally satisfying way to acknowledge the effort that goes into this column.
That and a new Porsche, of course…but I don’t see that happening any time soon.
So then, when we got past all of the mangled syntax, bizarre, twisty-turny tangents and wise-ass comments each week…and finally got around to matters of golf, the big question is, “how did we do?”
How did my researched (and presumably educated) weekly selections of PGA “favourites” fare against random chance; the tossing of darts into the pairings sheets by my daughter (the lovely and much smarter than her old man, “D&D”)?
Answering that question myself would be self-serving…and would most probably be completely out of touch with your own assessment of the situation. So, rather than trying to spin-doctor the results into some kind of victory story, I’ll simply toss the numbers on the board and let you be the judge of how well we did this year…or didn’t:
Derek vs D&D (Daughter & Dartboard) – 2011 Season Re-cap
How these results would translate into winnings and losings with a bookie, I have no idea. I’m sure my friend and long-time member of our golf pool, Jim could tell me in a heartbeat. But, I assure you that I have no intentions of transferring my vast fortune into a Ladbrook’s account and putting the entire $47.50 in jeopardy. After all, D&D has to go to college or university some day.
I will say that one of the highlights of the year, for me, happened just a few weeks ago; when after almost two full seasons of lobbing darts, my little girl finally struck paydirt and threw a hammerhead into winner Ben Crane’s name for the McGladreys Classic! Knowing my daughter for the extremely thoughtful and considerate girl she is, she’s probably trying to hunt down Ben’s mailing address so she can send him a thank you card and tell him all about it.
Bye For Now
And so, with the season now completely in the rear-view mirror…and all the re-capping re-capped, it’s time to bid a fond farewell to you, for now.
Our special thanks go out to Robert and Jeff at CanadianGolfer, for tolerating the silliness and indulging my weekly fix of sharing the brain dribblings with you. I’d also like to thank the rest of the talented CanadianGolfer writers (guys who really know the game, and write on a much better level), for the private messages and comments they’ve sent over the year. It’s great to be part of such a wonderful team,folks.
As the golf year transitions into the Silly Season, I’ll be fully immersed into settling into my new life in the Ottawa area…trying to get our new home into some semblance of sanity and looking for a new gig.
And, if by chance, you should happen to know of an Advertising or Marketing Agency (or a corporation with their own Mar-Comm department) in the Nation’s capital that might be looking for an evil Marketing / Advertising genius to add to their success and swell their coffers to overflowing, I’d greatly appreciate any leads you’d be kind enough to share.
I hate to ask, but then again, I wouldn’t truly be an evil Marketing / Advertising genius worth my weight in client briefs, unless I took full advantage of a forum like this to start networking and building my brand in a new market (that’s fancy Marketing talk for “spreading the word.”)
Thank you VERY much for reading…and for playing along with my little girl and I each week. I hope you enjoyed it as much as we did…and will continue to come back to CanadianGolfer.com for a generous weekly helping of all things golf.
Have an excellent off-season. And if it’s not too early to say so, my daughter and I wish you a very Merry Christmas and all the best for a happy, healthy and prosperous 2012.
Derek & Daughter