Well, not quite, cause golf’s great quotable Southerner isn’t going to come to the Canadian Open as first expected. But somehow I managed to get him just before boarding a private jet to FLA. Here’s a transcript of that conversation.
RT: Well Boo, why didn’t you catch the charter to Canada?
BW: Ah, weeeeellll, I was gonna come to Ka-Na-Da, but I was misled.
RT: How so?
BW: Weeeeeelll, those folks at that place that run golf in Canada told me I cud go huntin’.
RT: For what?
BW: Racoon huntin’. They did told me that Tronta had more racoons than pretty much dang near anywhere in the U.S. and that the geese mess up the greens. That fella with two first names — Jim Ray, or Paul Grant or something — told me he’d ‘range some shootin’ Tronta if I’d bring my sticks. Then I could go fishin’ in some sort of great big lake.
RT: Any other plans?
BW: Well that fella with two first names — Jon Jessie, um Jon Paul, er Paul Bill…
RT: Bill Paul, tournament director of the RCGA?
BW: Dat it. He told me I could go huntin’ for birdies.
RT: Well Glen Abbey would set up well for a sharp shooter like…
BW: Naw, not those types of birdies. He said there were some geese I could shoot.
RT: Did you know that Toronto is one of the biggest cities in the world?
BW: Y’all kiddin’ me?
BW: Y’all kiddin’ me?
BW: Bigger than Orlanda?
BW: Since that Paul fella told me I cud go shootin’ in Tronta, I called my buds and told him to bring the pea-shooters up from Florida. But that’s when we had a problem.
RT: What was the problem?
BW: They wouldn’t let Leroy or Gumps into Ka-Na-Da with all those guns. They only had fake IDs, so that din’t help. The border guards asked Leroy if he had a passport, but Leroy din’t know what they was talking about. Leroy has never been north of ‘Bama. And he was bringin’ the bass boat.
RT: And if you couldn’t shoot anything…
BW: Dang right, if I couldn’t shoot nothing then I wasn’t catching no plane. Instead I asked Phil for a ride on his G5. Told him we’d play cards all the way across.
RT: What about the golf? You’d be playing Jack Nicklaus-designed course.
BW: Oh, I’ve heard of Mr. Nicklaus. Who do you think I am? Some backwoods yocal from Deliverance? But I’ll tell y’all that I ain’t never been to Ka-Na-Da before. Don’t really like traveling north of the Mason-Dixon, never did come to Ka-Na-Da during those years when I played on the Buy-dot-com. Didn’t even know where Ka-Na-Da was until Leroy told me it was south of Alaska. Good huntin’ I hear — but I couldn’t get my guns.
RT: But you have been to Canada — in 2002 at Angus Glen?
BW: Really? I thought that was in Michigan. I ‘member they let me go fishin’ there.
RT: Maybe next Canadian Open?
BW: We’ll see. Maybe that Paul fella can have some guns ready for me this time — they won’t let me take’em to the British either.